My Story.

I woke up one morning and my mother’s alarm clock was going off. I was around 7 years old. I went to go see why she hadn’t turned it off and noticed that her and my dad were still sleeping. It was a school day and we needed her to get ready. I went to wake her up and she didn’t wake up. I shook her a while and she mumbled a bit and never woke up so I went over to my dad’s side of the bed. I walked over and pulled the covers off his head and it wasn’t my dad. It was a stranger lying naked in the bed with my mom. The alarm was still ringing in my ears so I went to the other side of the bed and unplugged the alarm. I walked out of the room to check and make sure my sister was still sleeping. I then walked down the hallway and into the living room. The room was filled with empty beer bottles, ashtrays upon ashtrays of cigarettes and empty liquor bottles. Now you see this was pretty normal for me.. you know, the after party.. but normally I would wake up and know a party was going on. I would walk through the smoke-filled room and ask my parents for a glass of water. This time was different. I never woke up the night before. Everything was normal about bedtime and how did 2 people drink and smoke so much? I went back to wake up my mother because I knew she was hung over. I knew the drill. After about 10 minutes she came to.. swore at me and stumbled into the bathroom. I closed the bedroom door behind her and went to clean up the living and dining rooms. I emptied all the bottles and threw them in the trash, I emptied the ashtrays and wiped down the counters. I needed to wake my sister up and get her ready for school and I needed to protect her from this mess. My mom passed out on the toilet and I was unable to wake her again so I closed the door. I got my sister up and ready. Closed the front curtains of my house so nobody could see in and walked my sister and myself to the bus stop. That afternoon, I came home. My dad was home. The house was clean. My mom was napping on the couch and the stranger was gone. Everything was back to normal.
Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
This was my “normal”.
My parents were there for me between drinks 3 through 5. I got love and attention when it was convenient for them. During the day I went to school, childcare and then babysat by the television. I didn’t have an adult figure in my life healthy enough to notice me. I grew up fast so that I could protect my sister from the unpredictable chaos of my parents. My parents did what they could do. They are alcoholics and they don’t know any different. I understand now that I really didn’t have a chance.

I started drinking and doing drugs at 15 years old. Around that time I also was obsessed with Hippies and their lifestyle. They were a family and took care of each other. They saw the world through loving eyes. Drugs were a way to understand why the world is the way it is. Love. Peace. Happiness. The hippies were everything I wanted to be. I didn’t have a support system at home. I wanted to be like them. I looked up to them and they became my God. I created my own family of friends and continued to hold on tight to them for 20+ years. My friends grew me up. The world grew me up. I learned about sex through porn tapes and I learned about death through murder of my friends brother. In my house it was a don’t ask, don’t tell situation so as long as I stayed under the radar I was good to go. I did well in school (when I was there) and I got myself a job to support my habits. All.was.well.

I got married and started having babies and things began to change. I became a mother and my friends were still living the single life. I had responsibilities. Drinking became a release. Like slipping into a hot bath. I went on to have 4 beautiful creatures. My fourth child was an “accident”. If I have more babies, I will be busy and I will have so much to do I won’t have time to use. I will tell my husband it was an “accident” that way he couldn’t say no and I could control my drinking and drugging. I will have control over my life. I took that lie and had my fourth creature, Big Daddy ended up living in Seattle for almost a year because of his job. I was introduced to pills and just like every other drug, I loved them. I could get everything done in my Martha Stewart way and not have a hangover the next morning. Perfect! This worked for a while until I needed a drink to be able to fall asleep. The pills ran out and the weed stayed consistent. I always had a back up plan.

The summer of 2011 my mom ended up in the hospital with spinal meningitis and heart problems. That summer I spent the days at the hospital with my mother and nights drinking until the wee hours of the morning. I remember a prayer I said in the fall before my mom got out of the hospital. God, give me something so that I can help another person. Like a soup kitchen or something. Within a month I was introduced to the Punk, my other half of PeacePunk Fitness. She was holding free Zumba classes and they intrigued me. I asked her if I could help with creating brochures and the check in desk. I believe the Punk was a divine appointment in my life. We created PeacePunk Fitness together and I became an instructor. Our classes started getting bigger and we needed to move locations so we began to ask the ladies in our class. One of our ladies came up and told us her church would love to have us. She was the Senior Pastors wife.

We moved churches and set up in our new building. I was drinking and using almost every night and working out/eating clean during the days. I was having a hard time managing my life. I didn’t want to live the life I had been given. I wanted to stay high forever. I didn’t want to come down anymore. I found no pleasure in my family. I found no pleasure in my life. I had stopped decorating my house years ago. My two littles didn’t have a picture on the wall. I barely saw my husband and when I did I wanted to leave and go out for the night. My soul was dead. I wanted to die. One night, I was drunk and I hit my knees and asked God to help me. I asked him to take control of my life, let me die. I cried for the first time in years and went to bed. A week later I kept hearing a voice to talk with some dude at this new church. I don’t even know this guy! The voice continued so I asked to meet with him. I told him my story and he told me a solution. I walked into AA a week later. I had some great weed and I didn’t want it to go to waste. I also had to finish off the Patron and stuff in the cabinet. Sheesh. 

It took me 3 months to get my 1 month coin. I stayed sober for 5 months,  long enough to dry out and realize I needed outside help. My last relapse I walked through hell for 3 days. I don’t know how I ended up back in the rooms but I did and I stayed. I have no control over this disease. I wake up and ask God to take my life. I ask for his will in all that I do. I beg for him to keep me sober. I don’t want my creatures to walk through a cloudy smoke filled room. I don’t want them to clean up my mess. I don’t want them to ever feel the fear that I felt as a child. I was a product of my environment and I learned to survive. I didn’t have a choice and that little girl has made me into what I am today. I am an alcoholic and an addict. I will be one until the day I die. I also have a solution that has worked this last year. I have a big God who keeps me from harm and humiliation. I have people in the rooms that are like a family that I never had. I am extremely blessed. This journey for me has only barely started. I pray I will get another 24 hours so I can continue to grow. I continue to ask God for the answers I don’t have and thank him for the answers he has given me. One Day at a Time.

Menu Plan Monday… on Tuesday

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I think the hardest part of menu planning for me is actually cooking. When Big Daddy is out of town the last thing I want to do is cook. I mean the creatures are good with anything that takes under 5 mins to make. Happy Creatures, Happy Mommy.

Mon: Leftovers
Tuesday: Teriyaki Salmon with Cucumber-Mango Salsa, Corn on the Cob
Wednesday: Seitan Fajitas, fresh guac/salsa
Thursday: Black Bean Burgers, Roasted Potatoes
Friday: Breakfast: Waffles, Fresh Fruit, Hashbrowns
Saturday: Pesto, French Bread, Salad
Sunday: Marinated Grilled Portabella Steaks, Creamy Cucumber Dill Salad (I use vegan sour cream)

For more meal ideas visit this junkie.