Talking to my Addiction(s).

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believin it was always something that I’d done

But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn’t have cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)
I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough

(oh)

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect you records
And then change your number (oh)
Guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

Angel from California

The last week or so I have realized I have no moderation for ANYTHING. Last night I got myself a coffee around 4pm and then had a couple cups at the AA meeting around 8pm or so. The meeting was great and as I started to drive home I started to realize how freaking high I was on coffee. I was shaky (I hadn’t had dinner yet) I was wide awake and I LOVE that feeling. Partnered with the tracers I always see from the stop lights I started thinking about how I normally would have grabbed some beer on the way home or smoke a bowl or maybe some vicadin…The night was warm, no wind and The Big Kahuna was home to celebrate. We could celebrate the coming of summer… or that the kids were in bed. Anything.

Just like that.
20 minutes after a AA meeting and I had flipped the switch.
Flip.

Then I got pissed. Pissed I couldn’t go back to the way I was, even if I wanted too. Pissed that everyone I used to party with knows that I put myself in AA. Why did I freaking tell everyone? I didn’t walk to talk about it, I wanted to fight. I wanted to pick a fight. Then, I would have a reason to drink. This is where I cut myself off from the outside world and chose to go inside my head, the last place where I knew I should be.

Today has been one of the longest days of my life. (Besides those really bad hungover days) I have been inside my head all day long trying to figure out how to go back a month ago. How to tell people that I really don’t need AA. Would I come back if I had a drink tonight? How drunk could I get and still make it to church in the morning? Yep. All. Day. Long. I was completely checked out on my life and this is where the insanity comes in that freaking scares the hell out of me. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. That voice will always be there and I will only learn how to say no to it. My brain will always have “that voice”. Why did God give me such a crappy misunderstood disease?

I went to a meeting tonight and it was the best thing I could do for myself. A guy came into town a week or so ago from California and I have seen him the last 2 meetings I have been to. This man is one of the wisest drunks I have ever heard speak and he has made it a point to come and ask me how I am doing both of those days. Anyways, I talked tonight in hopes of taking some of the power away from my thoughts that had been accumulating throughout the day. I cried (for I can’t seem to get the waterworks to shut off anymore) and I said everything I needed to say. That was it and soon the meeting was over.

The guy… God sent him … to me. Tonight. He sat and talked with me and gave me clarity and hope. He then told me he had something for me and started digging in his pocket. He pulled out his 27 year sobriety coin and placed it into my hand. I can’t even tell you how much this coin means to me right now. I look at it and I can feel God. I feel hope and I don’t feel so alone with this insane mind that I have been given. God sent me an Angel tonight, an Angel from California and I have stayed sober another day.

Closing the Door.

The last couple of days I have relapsed and realized that alcohol has way more power over me than I originally thought. I had plan on what this whole treatment thing looked like and last week God showed me that my plan wasn’t going to work. I like to explain AA this way… its like walking into a teepee, an arrogant angry teen, and am surrounded by a council of old wise indians. I have a long long way to go. I need to sit down, chill out and listen.

I have decided to stop with all my freelance graphic design work in order to slow down my life. I have been doing freelance out of my house for 10+ years. God has been pulling me in another direction for years and I keep holding on. I hold on to what I am. I am Carrie, Graphic Designer. I was super proud to hold that title for 10+ years and it is scary to let go of my own gig. I just sent out my last email. My biggest client, and shut the door. I am sad.

One foot in front of the other, so they say. I have to listen to those wise indians for they hold something that I dearly want and I am ready to listen and do whatever they suggest.

16 days.

This whole “get sober” thing has been completely God led. I have been trying to fix myself for AT LEAST 5 years. I see things in black or white. Good or bad. I tried to fix me and as soon I as realized that I couldn’t fix me, I prayed. A day or two later, God told me to talk with this dude at the church I teach Zumba at. The dude God picked for me was NOT the dude I would have picked for myself.  I would have picked a hippie, of course. The dirtier the better.  I chose to be obedient and email this guy and set up a meeting to “chat” and yes, I totally needed a drink or two to even write the stupid email. He contacted me and that meeting we had has been a huge turning point in my life.

I start going to meetings and find out my “Sponsor” needs to be a woman. Ah hell. I don’t get to talk with my dude. I have to find a chick! I am finding out real quick that God does not want me to feel comfortable. Ever! So I have been patiently waiting & praying for a sponsor. Yesterday, God showed me.

I was sitting next to a lady who was at the very first meeting I went to. I think I have seen her a couple times since then but she really never stood out to me. Half way through the meeting God was telling me that she was my sponsor. I argued with him that I haven’t heard all her story, I haven’t personally chatted with her, she wasn’t my type and I would sit and wait until next time I see her. You know, maybe hear her talk a couple more times and then decide. Thats when God started YELLING at me. It was urgent. If I wanted any sort of a clear mindset that night I needed to talk with this chick. The meeting ended and she turned to talk with me and I continued to say some gibberish about God yelling at me that she was my sponsor and then trying to officially ask her to be my sponsor. In the process, I start crying and I have NO IDEA where the hell THAT came from. It was sunny outside and I was in a good mood. Crying, really?

She said, yes.

and then she said,
“That the process is a very spiritual journey for her and she needed me to know that.”

Crazy, huh?

I know nothing of this chick and yet, God has picked her for me. I get to talk with her today and I am super excited to hear her story and get to know her. In 16 days, I have seen that things are going to get A LOT harder before they get better. I know that after the 90 days I will be in this program for life, if I want to stay sober. Today I am content with that.

 

 

Menu Plan Monday

Getting on with my day. I am cleaning my house like a crazy woman. Processing and cleaning, cleaning and processing. Pretty soon, I will fire up the stove and cook something and process some more. Thats how I roll. My family gets a clean house, I don’t pop a Vicodin. (However, Vicodin would get the house cleaner, faster, I think)

So my menu plan this week. Well, I have a little girl turning 7 on Weds that wants to go to Red Robin. Sunday is the big par-tay and between all that, teaching Zumba & soccer. Now, for the menu…

Monday: Mushroom Fettucini: Thank You Trader Joes…
Tuesday: Chicken Alfredo, Salad, French Bread
Wednesday: Happy Birthday, YaYa! Red Robin
Thursday: Roast Beef & Yorkshire Pudding, Corn
Friday: French Dips, Coleslaw
Saturday: Coconut Shrimp, Biscuits, Broccoli
Sunday: BBQ Chicken, Potato Salad,

For more meal ideas, visit this junkie.

YaYa is Turning Seven.

YaYa wants a “Taylor Swift” party this year. I have been crazy busy inside my head (as you can tell) and just this morning got the invitations out for her. She woke up and quickly came to see me at my computer. She looked and then came that awesome sparkle in her eye. Yep. YaYa approves.

Questions Inside My Head

DAY 8

So this is what I am suppose to do now? Post stuff about this whole recovery process. How about it freaking SUCKS! How about processing your whole freaking life 24 hours a day? Analyzing every aspect of your life and trying to figure out if that is what caused the switch in you?

I had a week yesterday. Whoa! 1 whole week. It truly frustrates me to no end that the one week mark means nothing to me. Maybe we should talk about the 3 month mark or the 6 month mark when things really start getting hairy for me. Will I have the tools to stay sober then? Will I have a foundation to work with by then?

Right now I am going to meetings daily and listening. Speaking when I feel like it  (mostly snot-filled cries with a little coherence in-between nose blows) and looking for a sponsor. They give you a list of numbers for you to call in case you want to drink. How in the hell are you suppose to feel comfortable with ladies you have never met? I know eventually these people will become very close to me and I will form friendships with them but for now it seems like another face/another story. I have a ton of support from my family and friends but I am still working on this whole situation alone, with Gods help. I think there is a certain level they can understand and after that they can only love and pray for me.

I need a meeting now and alas I am a mother. I can’t find a sitter. My go-to has prior plans,  husband is out of town…blah, blah, blah. I have a creature that I need to pick up in 15 minutes. Then lunch… See how this process can be so freaking difficult?  I do have a meeting scheduled at 7pm tonight and I will be there but what about NOW? What about at 9pm when the creatures are asleep and I am alone with all the voices in my head. When will I learn the tools and get them to work for me?

I CHOSE this path to take. It is uncomfortable for me but that IS where change is.

My name is Carrie and I am an Addict/Alcoholic.

For months I have been thinking about blowing up this blog. I had nothing to write about besides meal plans and B.S. I had lost my “Inner Hippie” once again and this time a huge wall was built up around me that I couldn’t break down.

I don’t know why God has decided that NOW he wanted to throw the wall up. Maybe it was my mom being in the ICU all last summer. Maybe it was the Zumba ministry I took in with everything I had left in me. Whatever it was. It was Gods plan. Not mine. (Yep. This is where I tell you I am going to be talking about God in this blog from now on. I didn’t know how I was going to approach the God subject but if you are offended in any way. Quit reading. Duh. If not, great.)

So back to the wall.
I have had a million voices in my head for years now. I have been analyzing my actions for at least 4 years. I finally decided to talk with someone to see if I was clinically insane or if I was in fact an addict. They told me something that I will always keep close to my heart.

People who are NOT addicts DO NOT analyze their drinking/drugging actions.

I wish someone would have told me this years ago. I could have saved myself years of self doubt and fear. To me, talking to that first person was half the battle.

Inner Hippie is taking a little detour for now. I am in the process of going through 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I feel relieved that there is a name to the insanity in my head. I am on Day 5 right now and things are confusing and scary but I need to do this to get better to take the wall down, so I can live my life.

I don’t know why I am blogging my dirty laundry. I don’t plan on getting diarrhea of the mouth and blogging my whole sad sob story but I will give you a little glimpse of the process. God keeps telling me that this will be an outlet for me. I hope that I can give someone a little hope who is struggling in their own battle.

Thats all I got.

Peace.

Menu Plan Monday

I have been being pretty naughty and not doing much of all. Why do you think this blog is so quiet. No activity = Hippie off track. I am busy dreaming and not doing. Must. Focus. For now I leave you with at least my lame menu plan for the week with no links or anything. It’s a blog post, right? I’m working on it. See?

Monday: Friends House! Thank Goodness because I have no creativity this week.
Tuesday: French Dip Sandwiches
Wednesday: Slow Cooker BBQ Chicken
Thursday: Slow Cooker Pork Chops
Friday: Kids Choice. Grilled Cheese?
Saturday: Sherwood Forest Special
Sunday: Homemade Chicken Pot Pie

For more meal ideas visit this junkie.

Menu Plan Monday

Well HELLO Monday, how you doin?
I am ready for you. Can you tell? I have decided to clean up my eating and so my meals will reflect that. My kids may go on strike by the end of the week. Thats OK, I will then have pictures to blast all over FaceBook cause thats funny. Ready. Menu Plan. Go.

Monday:Tilapia, Baked Sweet Potato Fries, Salad
Tuesday: Lemon Shrimp over whole wheat pasta, Spinach Salad
Wednesday:Pork Chops with Warm Cinnamon Apples
Thursday: Friends House!
Friday: Tilapia Black Bean Tacos
Saturday: Teriyaki Chicken Stir Fry
Sunday: Pork Chops, Veggie Stir Fry, salad

I don’t have any recipes for this stuff. I just wrote down from the top of my head and I’m going to roll with it. For more menu ideas visit this junkie.