Failure in the making.

I want to run a mile before I die.
I want to run Bloomsday.

These are two items on my bucket list I wrote down a couple years ago. The day is tomorrow. The day I set in stone back in October 2010. I will run Bloomsday 2011. They say that its not the destination but the journey. I am going to agree with this for today. (Hopefully it will keep the nervousness away while I write this) You make a goal and you have a vision of the end but you never know what the journey is truly going to look like. The last 6 months I have been just a little obsessed. Researching running, subscribing to running magazines, figuring out foods will keep me full & what gives me gas, what panties won’t ride up while I am running, well you get the gist. I knew that running would be hard but I never expected the daily challenges I would have to face. It has all been one big decision after another. The decision to get to the gym, to work harder, to stop smoking, to stop the negative self talk and to listen to what my body is saying. The journey is the hardest part and I have been working my ass off.

with that said, I cannot run all of Bloomsday and I cannot run a full mile. In goal terms, I have failed the deadline I set for myself BUT look at what I have done.

I bought my very first pair of running shoes.
I don’t walk like I am pregnant anymore.
I have seen myself sweat through my own shirt.
I have pushed myself to limits I laughed at months before. ((I’m walking at 4 mph and running at 5.5 mph!))
I am pushing through my fear of asthma and how far I can push my lungs.
I haven’t needed or used my inhaler once.
I have been smoke-free for 40 days.
I have posture of a 33 year old instead of an 85 year old.
I am working through fear of running & blowing out my knees…again. ((This is a daily challenge))

I don’t consider myself a failure. I have accomplished so much more than I ever expected. I  started a journey that I thought was going to be determined by a date and time. I realize now I have to keep going and working towards making myself a better person and there will always be a new goal.  This process has opened up a whole new world for me. Each one of these steps I am a little closer to my goal and each one of them was and is a HUGE deal that I celebrated with the people around me. ((Which gave me more to celebrate along the way)) I can look at long time friends with utter amazement by how fast or far they can run. I look at my bestie who has been a full time smoker since we were 15 years old and she has 50 days of being smoke-free. I am so proud of her and I know I can do this. ((even though I am scared to drink now because of my altar ego, CeCe who likes to smoke & drink beer)) These are the people who are fueling my fire and I am finding them and placing each one in my pocket for the days when I don’t feel like getting to the gym and running longer, faster, harder.

Soooo…. for Bloomsday this year I have set a goal that I will get in under 2 hours. My perfect time would be 1:45 min. (about a 13 min. mile) I will be wearing pink. Pink shirt, pink hair and piggie tails. ((This is for Pam at the Smokin Hot Mama Club, she has been another inspiration for running and taking care of myself in general)). It will be the first time Korey, my husband, and I will workout together. ((This could pose a whole new challenge, I may just want to kill him or he could be the best running partner ever.)) Whatever happens tomorrow I will learn more about myself and the person I want to become. Either way, I win.

I am calm.

I am ready.

….and now I’m gonna stuff my face with pasta and get some sleep! See you all tomorrow after the race!

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Fears.

We are going to play a little game where I lay down on the black couch and you are the shrink. You get to analyze how crazy I am. This should be fun. Here we go.

Lets talk countdowns for a minute.

Bloomsday is 8 days away.

IsaBody Challenge is 14 days away.

and I today I am scared.

I keep reading this quote that Ashley posted.

Think it, dream it and when it comes your way,
take a moment to fear it, and then run with it…

and I am thinking…”RUN” with it. You want me to “RUN”? How am I going to get through Bloomsday? I have a goal this year that I set for myself and I am freaked out that I just am going to burn myself out before the end. Can I really do Bloomsday under 2 hours? I have been running outside more the last couple of weeks and its different. I like being outside but I am so use to a clock telling me what I should be doing and now I have to listen to my body and my mind.

Here is the conversation.
Your such a stoner. How in the hell are you running right now? Is this possible? Remember you on the smoking corner in your Converse shoes. Remember? Now you are running? You must look awfully silly with those running clothes on…maybe if you lit a cigarette while you ran…yep. that would make it more comfortable for you.

shall I keep going?

Running is NOT comfortable for me.  I don’t like all my flab smacking me around on the pavement. (Yes, I have 4 kids and they gave me lots of extra skin.) I get tangled up in my ipod. My pants are falling down because I have no idea what to wear when I run. How do I carry my water? a fanny pack? Can you tell I am a little bit crazy right now?

I never ran as a little kid. I had asthma so I got the free walk for the mile. Therefore, I didn’t run. Ever. I have been working on my form, speed and endurance for almost 6 months now and I still feel like I have so far to go. Will I ever be able to run a full mile without stopping to walk? Will running ever feel natural? Will I be able to confidently say I am a runner and I enjoy it?

Then we have the IsaBody Challenge with is like the Isagenix version of the biggest loser. I have to give them my after picture on May 7th. I don’t look like the beach body supermodel that you see on all the shows. I still have some weight to lose and the varicose veins don’t fit into that perfect picture either. I am the average girl in the average town with the average belly. (Well I may break the record for my baby belly and stretch marks. I would smoke THAT contest…)

or this blog? Why am I writing all this stuff down?  Am I motivating anyone? Should I take it down? To many drugs it think….

WHEW!
I feel better. Thanks for helping.

I don’t know where this journey is going to end and I don’t know if I ever will be a “runner”. I hope that I win $120,000 and get a free trip to California but I can’t stop there. I have to keep going and finding that Inner Hippie everyday so that I can be a better person. I know my next goal is to run a 5K without walking sometime this fall. I still have 2o lbs. to lose that seem to be coming off very slowly but I WILL get there. A voice that was once was very quiet is louder now. I am listening to that voice. The voice of me. This voice is positive, strong and knows no limits. I know my Inner Hippie will take me where I need to go even though I am scared as hell.

**If I am motivating you in anyway or you are enjoying how crazy I am can you comment on my post or FaceBook page. I need some feedback people. Thanks. Peace.

Menu Plan Monday

Hi Everyone!
Busy weekend and I am a little crazed today. Need to get to the grocery store for some meat and really don’t feel like being Martha Stewart this week. I am hoping to finish up the 7 loads of laundry and maybe get some TurboFire in this afternoon. (Princess R was puking last night so I took the opportunity to sleep in.) Have a great Monday, everyone!

Monday: Princess T’s Birthday. Burger King it is!
Tuesday: Leftovers. Mama needs a break.
Wednesday: Spaghetti, Salad and Sourdough bread.
Thursday: Breakfast (Pancakes, Hashbrowns, Waffles, Cinnamon Rolls, Eggs. Whateva)
Friday: Lemon Chicken with Mushroom Sauce, Corn, Salad
Saturday: Egg Salad Sandwiches, Baked Beans
Sunday: Mom’s House for Easter Dinner

**This is just an idea of my week. I let myself pick and choose between the days. Some days I might just order a pizza. I rebel against to much structure. For more ideas visit this junkie.