Failure in the making.

I want to run a mile before I die.
I want to run Bloomsday.

These are two items on my bucket list I wrote down a couple years ago. The day is tomorrow. The day I set in stone back in October 2010. I will run Bloomsday 2011. They say that its not the destination but the journey. I am going to agree with this for today. (Hopefully it will keep the nervousness away while I write this) You make a goal and you have a vision of the end but you never know what the journey is truly going to look like. The last 6 months I have been just a little obsessed. Researching running, subscribing to running magazines, figuring out foods will keep me full & what gives me gas, what panties won’t ride up while I am running, well you get the gist. I knew that running would be hard but I never expected the daily challenges I would have to face. It has all been one big decision after another. The decision to get to the gym, to work harder, to stop smoking, to stop the negative self talk and to listen to what my body is saying. The journey is the hardest part and I have been working my ass off.

with that said, I cannot run all of Bloomsday and I cannot run a full mile. In goal terms, I have failed the deadline I set for myself BUT look at what I have done.

I bought my very first pair of running shoes.
I don’t walk like I am pregnant anymore.
I have seen myself sweat through my own shirt.
I have pushed myself to limits I laughed at months before. ((I’m walking at 4 mph and running at 5.5 mph!))
I am pushing through my fear of asthma and how far I can push my lungs.
I haven’t needed or used my inhaler once.
I have been smoke-free for 40 days.
I have posture of a 33 year old instead of an 85 year old.
I am working through fear of running & blowing out my knees…again. ((This is a daily challenge))

I don’t consider myself a failure. I have accomplished so much more than I ever expected. I  started a journey that I thought was going to be determined by a date and time. I realize now I have to keep going and working towards making myself a better person and there will always be a new goal.  This process has opened up a whole new world for me. Each one of these steps I am a little closer to my goal and each one of them was and is a HUGE deal that I celebrated with the people around me. ((Which gave me more to celebrate along the way)) I can look at long time friends with utter amazement by how fast or far they can run. I look at my bestie who has been a full time smoker since we were 15 years old and she has 50 days of being smoke-free. I am so proud of her and I know I can do this. ((even though I am scared to drink now because of my altar ego, CeCe who likes to smoke & drink beer)) These are the people who are fueling my fire and I am finding them and placing each one in my pocket for the days when I don’t feel like getting to the gym and running longer, faster, harder.

Soooo…. for Bloomsday this year I have set a goal that I will get in under 2 hours. My perfect time would be 1:45 min. (about a 13 min. mile) I will be wearing pink. Pink shirt, pink hair and piggie tails. ((This is for Pam at the Smokin Hot Mama Club, she has been another inspiration for running and taking care of myself in general)). It will be the first time Korey, my husband, and I will workout together. ((This could pose a whole new challenge, I may just want to kill him or he could be the best running partner ever.)) Whatever happens tomorrow I will learn more about myself and the person I want to become. Either way, I win.

I am calm.

I am ready.

….and now I’m gonna stuff my face with pasta and get some sleep! See you all tomorrow after the race!

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4 thoughts on “Failure in the making.

  1. Incredibly proud of you and celebrating this wonderful day you will NEVER forget. Wear that pink with pride and know I’m cheering you on in El Paso, TX!!!!!
    Loving Life,
    Your Proud Head Mama
    Pamela

  2. Carrie you have done amazing this far! Just wait until you are mid race, and realize with all the excitement that you have not stopped to walk. I bet you will run more than a mile without stopping! You can do it!
    Your East Coast friend

  3. Pingback: Back to Day 2. « Inner Hippie

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