Questions Inside My Head

DAY 8

So this is what I am suppose to do now? Post stuff about this whole recovery process. How about it freaking SUCKS! How about processing your whole freaking life 24 hours a day? Analyzing every aspect of your life and trying to figure out if that is what caused the switch in you?

I had a week yesterday. Whoa! 1 whole week. It truly frustrates me to no end that the one week mark means nothing to me. Maybe we should talk about the 3 month mark or the 6 month mark when things really start getting hairy for me. Will I have the tools to stay sober then? Will I have a foundation to work with by then?

Right now I am going to meetings daily and listening. Speaking when I feel like it  (mostly snot-filled cries with a little coherence in-between nose blows) and looking for a sponsor. They give you a list of numbers for you to call in case you want to drink. How in the hell are you suppose to feel comfortable with ladies you have never met? I know eventually these people will become very close to me and I will form friendships with them but for now it seems like another face/another story. I have a ton of support from my family and friends but I am still working on this whole situation alone, with Gods help. I think there is a certain level they can understand and after that they can only love and pray for me.

I need a meeting now and alas I am a mother. I can’t find a sitter. My go-to has prior plans,  husband is out of town…blah, blah, blah. I have a creature that I need to pick up in 15 minutes. Then lunch… See how this process can be so freaking difficult?  I do have a meeting scheduled at 7pm tonight and I will be there but what about NOW? What about at 9pm when the creatures are asleep and I am alone with all the voices in my head. When will I learn the tools and get them to work for me?

I CHOSE this path to take. It is uncomfortable for me but that IS where change is.

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5 thoughts on “Questions Inside My Head

  1. You are amazing Carrie. I wish more then you know that I coyld live next door to help. I love you and know that you can do this. Call me at 9pm and i will be the voice.

  2. Hi Carrie! I just stumbled upon this and I’m glad I did. We don’t know each other very well but what I do know about you from the conversations we’ve had is that you’re an amazly strong woman and mother. Keep your head up and your eye on the prize. And I’m not kidding when I say if you are in a pinch and need a hand so you can make it to a meeting, I will definitely do what I can to help. I’m literally steps away and Oli is getting more and more social every day so he’s a pretty good sidekick these days. My cell phone # is 939.5776… don’t be affraid to hit me up if you need a hand. You got this 😉

    -Jes

  3. Tap those inner Kekahunas I admire so much and you can do this. If you ever need a reminder give me a call and I’ll be happy to share the long list of reasons that you are amazing. Love and prayers!

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