Talking to my Addiction(s).

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believin it was always something that I’d done

But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn’t have cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)
I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough

(oh)

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect you records
And then change your number (oh)
Guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know
Somebody that I used to know
Somebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)
That I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody

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Angel from California

The last week or so I have realized I have no moderation for ANYTHING. Last night I got myself a coffee around 4pm and then had a couple cups at the AA meeting around 8pm or so. The meeting was great and as I started to drive home I started to realize how freaking high I was on coffee. I was shaky (I hadn’t had dinner yet) I was wide awake and I LOVE that feeling. Partnered with the tracers I always see from the stop lights I started thinking about how I normally would have grabbed some beer on the way home or smoke a bowl or maybe some vicadin…The night was warm, no wind and The Big Kahuna was home to celebrate. We could celebrate the coming of summer… or that the kids were in bed. Anything.

Just like that.
20 minutes after a AA meeting and I had flipped the switch.
Flip.

Then I got pissed. Pissed I couldn’t go back to the way I was, even if I wanted too. Pissed that everyone I used to party with knows that I put myself in AA. Why did I freaking tell everyone? I didn’t walk to talk about it, I wanted to fight. I wanted to pick a fight. Then, I would have a reason to drink. This is where I cut myself off from the outside world and chose to go inside my head, the last place where I knew I should be.

Today has been one of the longest days of my life. (Besides those really bad hungover days) I have been inside my head all day long trying to figure out how to go back a month ago. How to tell people that I really don’t need AA. Would I come back if I had a drink tonight? How drunk could I get and still make it to church in the morning? Yep. All. Day. Long. I was completely checked out on my life and this is where the insanity comes in that freaking scares the hell out of me. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. That voice will always be there and I will only learn how to say no to it. My brain will always have “that voice”. Why did God give me such a crappy misunderstood disease?

I went to a meeting tonight and it was the best thing I could do for myself. A guy came into town a week or so ago from California and I have seen him the last 2 meetings I have been to. This man is one of the wisest drunks I have ever heard speak and he has made it a point to come and ask me how I am doing both of those days. Anyways, I talked tonight in hopes of taking some of the power away from my thoughts that had been accumulating throughout the day. I cried (for I can’t seem to get the waterworks to shut off anymore) and I said everything I needed to say. That was it and soon the meeting was over.

The guy… God sent him … to me. Tonight. He sat and talked with me and gave me clarity and hope.┬áHe then told me he had something for me and started digging in his pocket. He pulled out his 27 year sobriety coin and placed it into my hand. I can’t even tell you how much this coin means to me right now. I look at it and I can feel God. I feel hope and I don’t feel so alone with this insane mind that I have been given. God sent me an Angel tonight, an Angel from California and I have stayed sober another day.

Closing the Door.

Image

The last couple of days I have relapsed and realized that alcohol has way more power over me than I originally thought. I had plan on what this whole treatment thing looked like and last week God showed me that my plan wasn’t going to work. I like to explain AA this way… its like walking into a teepee, an arrogant angry teen, and am surrounded by a council of old wise indians. I have a long long way to go. I need to sit down, chill out and listen.

I have decided to stop with all my freelance graphic design work in order to slow down my life. I have been doing freelance out of my house for 10+ years. God has been pulling me in another direction for years and I keep holding on. I hold on to what I am. I am Carrie, Graphic Designer. I was super proud to hold that title for 10+ years and it is scary to let go of my own gig. I just sent out my last email. My biggest client, and shut the door. I am sad.

One foot in front of the other, so they say. I have to listen to those wise indians for they hold something that I dearly want and I am ready to listen and do whatever they suggest.