The last week or so I have realized I have no moderation for ANYTHING. Last night I got myself a coffee around 4pm and then had a couple cups at the AA meeting around 8pm or so. The meeting was great and as I started to drive home I started to realize how freaking high I was on coffee. I was shaky (I hadn’t had dinner yet) I was wide awake and I LOVE that feeling. Partnered with the tracers I always see from the stop lights I started thinking about how I normally would have grabbed some beer on the way home or smoke a bowl or maybe some vicadin…The night was warm, no wind and The Big Kahuna was home to celebrate. We could celebrate the coming of summer… or that the kids were in bed. Anything.
Just like that.
20 minutes after a AA meeting and I had flipped the switch.
Then I got pissed. Pissed I couldn’t go back to the way I was, even if I wanted too. Pissed that everyone I used to party with knows that I put myself in AA. Why did I freaking tell everyone? I didn’t walk to talk about it, I wanted to fight. I wanted to pick a fight. Then, I would have a reason to drink. This is where I cut myself off from the outside world and chose to go inside my head, the last place where I knew I should be.
Today has been one of the longest days of my life. (Besides those really bad hungover days) I have been inside my head all day long trying to figure out how to go back a month ago. How to tell people that I really don’t need AA. Would I come back if I had a drink tonight? How drunk could I get and still make it to church in the morning? Yep. All. Day. Long. I was completely checked out on my life and this is where the insanity comes in that freaking scares the hell out of me. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. That voice will always be there and I will only learn how to say no to it. My brain will always have “that voice”. Why did God give me such a crappy misunderstood disease?
I went to a meeting tonight and it was the best thing I could do for myself. A guy came into town a week or so ago from California and I have seen him the last 2 meetings I have been to. This man is one of the wisest drunks I have ever heard speak and he has made it a point to come and ask me how I am doing both of those days. Anyways, I talked tonight in hopes of taking some of the power away from my thoughts that had been accumulating throughout the day. I cried (for I can’t seem to get the waterworks to shut off anymore) and I said everything I needed to say. That was it and soon the meeting was over.
The guy… God sent him … to me. Tonight. He sat and talked with me and gave me clarity and hope. He then told me he had something for me and started digging in his pocket. He pulled out his 27 year sobriety coin and placed it into my hand. I can’t even tell you how much this coin means to me right now. I look at it and I can feel God. I feel hope and I don’t feel so alone with this insane mind that I have been given. God sent me an Angel tonight, an Angel from California and I have stayed sober another day.