This little coin. This little coin is holding my blood, sweat & tears for the last 77 days. I never in a million years would have thought this was going to be such a spiritual journey. I came into AA 77 days ago. 75 meetings ago. I really truly thought that I have this program in the bag. I would read through the book in record time. I would do the steps as fast as I could so then I wouldn’t have to go to so many meetings. They told me 90 meetings in 90 days. WTH? I have 4 creatures, a husband that is out of town 75% of the time and you want me to add a daily meeting into the mix? and stay sober trying to juggle it all?
I was there. I was at the crossroads and I was completely relieved that there was a name to the craziness inside my head. I wanted to fix me. I made that 90 day commitment and I walked into my first meeting and every single freaking thing they said was about ME. I finally wasn’t alone to figure all this shit out. They say alcoholism is a mental disorder. That scares me more than calling myself an alcoholic. I know that normal people don’t have their minds race like I do, I know that normal people don’t have the constant wanting to escape reality wether good or bad. I was born with this and I will have to work with this disorder the rest of my life. I am so blessed that God found me and picked me up from the desperate place I was in. I know he has a plan for my life, even with the hot mess that I have been born with.
Everyday I wake up and know that I have 24 hours to deal with. Thank goodness I sleep about 7 of those because I have found out that 10 minutes can feel like an eternity. I stay in the present because that is all I have. I don’t know if I will drink or drug tomorrow. This new sobriety is not a natural thing for me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about wanting to escape. Sometimes I can shut it down and other times it is an uncontrollable raging fire that I cannot for the life of me, control.
I have tools now. I have suggestions. I have people holding my hand and getting me through this disorder, this disease. I didn’t realize how powerful alcohol/drugs are to me. They sit there and wait patiently. They wait for me to be in my pink cloud and on top of the world. They wait for me as I cry in despair. They are there when I am so overwhelmed I cannot function. They wait ready to call to me and they will hold on for days and weeks if I let my guard down.
So that idea in my head about getting through the program in 90 days and being healed. It’s a bunch of shit. I will be working this program until the day I die. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do for myself. I don’t know who I am and in some ways I am very childlike. I never grew up. I used drugs/alcohol to protect me from the world and now how am I going to manage?Every morning I have to drop to my knees and pray that God will help me for I cannot do this on my own. My mind is sick and I tried my way for 20 years. The only thing it did for me was make me insane. Literally.
Who would have thought this little coin would have so much value to me? I know I have only scraped the surface and the work I have ahead of me is overwhelming. I also know that I have seen more of God on a daily basis than I ever have in my entire life. Today I am holding his hand. He is bringing me people into my life that reflect what I want to see myself become. I trust that he will show me exactly where I need to be, in his time and not my own.
Today I have 30 sober days.