I went for a run this morning to reflect on 90 days of being sober. That would be all.summer.long. Hippie, you only have 2 weeks left to party then THATS IT! summer is gone and you wouldn’t want to waste it now, would you? I think that voice is about ready to drive me nuts. It has been counting down since the beginning of August. In a weird way, I want school to start and to just get on with it…
So I have to tell you guys about a little lesson I learned this last week. I was shopping for my creatures and all of a sudden God threw up another wall for me. In the middle of JCPennys. My spending habits have affected my family. Within about 30 minutes I saw the last year and every purchase I made flash before my very eyes. Not cool, especially when you are trying to shop! I came home and I knew what I had to do. This is the first time I wasn’t going to argue with God. I was messing with my family and I hold them very close to my heart. I told Korey what I was about to do and I cried the rest of the day. I cried because of how selfish I had become and didn’t realize it, I cried because I had to stop coloring my rainbow hair and I cried because I didn’t want to live on budget again. I was acting like a 2 year old dramatically throwing herself on the ground. I was at peace with the decision I had so quickly made but that doesn’t mean I liked it. I was sad.
Soooo….I needed to control something!
God had already taken my drugs, alcohol and now money. My birthday was coming up so I told everyone I didn’t want a party. No presents. Nothing. I was at peace with that decision too. Now….if anyone did not respect my wishes they better watch out. I was ready to go to battle. I was in control of this one. This was my “precious”.
I also knew that I wasn’t thinking clearly. This is one of those character defects that I own. Control. Knowing this, I knew the next 2 days were gonna be hell. I was going to be completely pissed off either way the ball was thrown. If everyone forgot about me (like I asked) then I would be let down. If somebody did something for me, I would be annoyed and pissed off that they didn’t listen to me.
I slept horribly on Saturday night and woke up early Sunday morning to text my AA guru. I needed help before this day of hell began. That I created. He told me this…. “If it is Gods will for me to do something, then I should do that thing and I am NOT responsible for other people and how they react or are effected by that decision. If I am trying to get people to line up with MY will, then I am bound for disappointment, every time. I am not responsible how the rest of the universe responds, because they are not responding to me, but to God, and He will take care of that. I can relax knowing I am right where He wants me to be.”
With that….I sat back and went through my days watching what God had in store for me.
My 35th Birthday was peaceful. I was content. I felt like I got to sit back and watch the world around me as it unfolded. I got to live in the present and visit the past. His plan was exactly what I needed. I laid my head down that night with another lesson learned & another sober day under my belt. I was genuinely happy.
90 days. I really made it 90 days! The drunks always say…One Day at a Time and eventually they start to string themselves together. That is what is happening. I cannot look to the future for it scares the hell out of me. My past I am working through and must not dwell on. My hope is in the present and my will is with God.
I have been struggling the last week. I have finished my 4th step and have been rehashing all the crap that has happened to me in my life. Reliving it. Remembering details. Details as small as what time the clock on the wall said. Why when bad things happen to us time goes so slowly? How come everything around us becomes so much more alive? The world seems to go on and people are out enjoying their summer. I am alone climbing this Mt. Everest of my life and it seems like everything is amplified 100x. I know that God is with me but man, loneliness is not a feeling that I like and it seems that I isolate myself in order to feel this horrible pain. The last couple of days I have been to a meeting or two a day and calling my drunks. Reading my big book, reading my bible. I want God. I need God. I need him closer before I drink. I want to escape, if even for a couple hours. I want to grab a couple vicodin, wash them down with some Patron and continue on with a big fat bowl. Yep. That should do it. My escape. The voices will go away for a while. The intense memories, the details…. I know that is where I would “start”. I know if I went back out drinking & drugging, I wouldn’t come back this time. Being scared is keeping me sober. I have a little flicker of faith still burning in me that I need to ignite again. Don’t quit, Hippie. Don’t quit before the miracle.
So last night I upped my ante. I sat down and I read Gods word. I woke up this morning and went running. I remembered that before all of this there was runnning and somehow I found God there. I thought I may die for I have been smoking since I started program. This is a whole other post about obedience and how I can’t get it through my thick skull. He showed me how to calm all the voices for a minute so he could speak to me. Tonight I meet with my sponsor to vocalize all these things that I haven’t spoken of in years. I am scared to death but ready.
Thank you God for holding my hand and wrapping your arms around me this morning.