I have been struggling the last week. I have finished my 4th step and have been rehashing all the crap that has happened to me in my life. Reliving it. Remembering details. Details as small as what time the clock on the wall said. Why when bad things happen to us time goes so slowly? How come everything around us becomes so much more alive? The world seems to go on and people are out enjoying their summer. I am alone climbing this Mt. Everest of my life and it seems like everything is amplified 100x. I know that God is with me but man, loneliness is not a feeling that I like and it seems that I isolate myself in order to feel this horrible pain. The last couple of days I have been to a meeting or two a day and calling my drunks. Reading my big book, reading my bible. I want God. I need God. I need him closer before I drink. I want to escape, if even for a couple hours. I want to grab a couple vicodin, wash them down with some Patron and continue on with a big fat bowl. Yep. That should do it. My escape. The voices will go away for a while. The intense memories, the details…. I know that is where I would “start”. I know if I went back out drinking & drugging, I wouldn’t come back this time. Being scared is keeping me sober. I have a little flicker of faith still burning in me that I need to ignite again. Don’t quit, Hippie. Don’t quit before the miracle.
So last night I upped my ante. I sat down and I read Gods word. I woke up this morning and went running. I remembered that before all of this there was runnning and somehow I found God there. I thought I may die for I have been smoking since I started program. This is a whole other post about obedience and how I can’t get it through my thick skull. He showed me how to calm all the voices for a minute so he could speak to me. Tonight I meet with my sponsor to vocalize all these things that I haven’t spoken of in years. I am scared to death but ready.
Thank you God for holding my hand and wrapping your arms around me this morning.