I went for a run this morning to reflect on 90 days of being sober. That would be all.summer.long. Hippie, you only have 2 weeks left to party then THATS IT! summer is gone and you wouldn’t want to waste it now, would you? I think that voice is about ready to drive me nuts. It has been counting down since the beginning of August. In a weird way, I want school to start and to just get on with it…
So I have to tell you guys about a little lesson I learned this last week. I was shopping for my creatures and all of a sudden God threw up another wall for me. In the middle of JCPennys. My spending habits have affected my family. Within about 30 minutes I saw the last year and every purchase I made flash before my very eyes. Not cool, especially when you are trying to shop! I came home and I knew what I had to do. This is the first time I wasn’t going to argue with God. I was messing with my family and I hold them very close to my heart. I told Korey what I was about to do and I cried the rest of the day. I cried because of how selfish I had become and didn’t realize it, I cried because I had to stop coloring my rainbow hair and I cried because I didn’t want to live on budget again. I was acting like a 2 year old dramatically throwing herself on the ground. I was at peace with the decision I had so quickly made but that doesn’t mean I liked it. I was sad.
Soooo….I needed to control something!
God had already taken my drugs, alcohol and now money. My birthday was coming up so I told everyone I didn’t want a party. No presents. Nothing. I was at peace with that decision too. Now….if anyone did not respect my wishes they better watch out. I was ready to go to battle. I was in control of this one. This was my “precious”.
I also knew that I wasn’t thinking clearly. This is one of those character defects that I own. Control. Knowing this, I knew the next 2 days were gonna be hell. I was going to be completely pissed off either way the ball was thrown. If everyone forgot about me (like I asked) then I would be let down. If somebody did something for me, I would be annoyed and pissed off that they didn’t listen to me.
I slept horribly on Saturday night and woke up early Sunday morning to text my AA guru. I needed help before this day of hell began. That I created. He told me this…. “If it is Gods will for me to do something, then I should do that thing and I am NOT responsible for other people and how they react or are effected by that decision. If I am trying to get people to line up with MY will, then I am bound for disappointment, every time. I am not responsible how the rest of the universe responds, because they are not responding to me, but to God, and He will take care of that. I can relax knowing I am right where He wants me to be.”
With that….I sat back and went through my days watching what God had in store for me.
My 35th Birthday was peaceful. I was content. I felt like I got to sit back and watch the world around me as it unfolded. I got to live in the present and visit the past. His plan was exactly what I needed. I laid my head down that night with another lesson learned & another sober day under my belt. I was genuinely happy.
90 days. I really made it 90 days! The drunks always say…One Day at a Time and eventually they start to string themselves together. That is what is happening. I cannot look to the future for it scares the hell out of me. My past I am working through and must not dwell on. My hope is in the present and my will is with God.