I haven’t been blogging. I don’t know why. Do I have the right thing to say? Am I doing the right thing by blogging all my dirty laundry? I don’t know. I do know that I hate this disease that I have. It scares the absolute shit out of me. I have 5 months today and that should be a good thing, right? I have been spinning the tapes of a year ago, a lifetime ago. Everything in my being wants to go back to that place. The place where I was blind and went through life not knowing what the hell I was doing. I must have liked pain a lot. I liked to play the tapes over and over again. Then process the fuck out of it and beat myself to death. Why in the hell would I want to go back there? but I do, and that scares me more than drinking. I don’t know who this person is.
I painted a pair of shoes last week. They read “Fuck Heels”. I went over and over with this for weeks. I had something to say and I knew that I could have used various other words to get the point across. I mean after all, I am a mother and how would I explain that choice of words to my creatures? I know God, and I know those words burn his ears and still I wanted to retaliate. God, you already pointed out this fricken road that I am on and now you want me to cut out everything that I once was? How in the hell am I suppose to use this rebellious spirit for good use? What the hell do you want me to do? Don’t drink, don’t drug, apologize, enjoy work, no swearing, let go of control, let other people change, live in the moment and then you will be “Happy”.
You caught me on a day that I struggle.
I struggle to follow God.
I want to freaking run away as fast as I can. I want to go back to crazy because right now this is INSANE. I can’t be me and I can’t be you and I can’t be normal. So please forgive me if I choose to be a little insane right now for I am testing out how to be “me”. I haven’t been “me” since I was 12 years old. If I shave my head, let me. If I paint a series of angry vaginas, let me. For you do not know this new person and neither do I.
Ask me if I am ok?
and I will answer I don’t fucking know.