I just am.

It has been 20 days since I went back out and it feels like years ago. Something switched in me, I grieved the last 20 years of my life. Alcoholism is not a joke, it is a very serious disease to me…now. I have been blessed to be an Alcoholic/Addict, whatever you choose to call me. I have watched the disease my whole life. I have seen people die from it. I am watching people die from it today and I somehow got lucky. I got the chance to hit bottom before I destroyed my life. I also got the chance to dry out long enough to find out that my addiction was only part of my recovery. I grew up in an alcoholic household. I always thought that meant the parent was drunk on the couch and the kids ran crazy, mac & cheese on the floor,  the house a mess, etc. That wasn’t my house, we had dinner together, vacations, we were pretty normal. My parents were just “Alcoholics.” I never once in a million years thought that this ever affected me. I got through school, went to college, got married, had creatures. I had moved on. What I didn’t know is that I survived. I missed out on direction, affection and life lessons. I took care of my sister, I grew up early, I guided myself and I was my support system. What I have always thought was normal was not. I am hearing words like adult child, co-dependent and emotional detachment. The things I used to survive as a child, are the very things that are holding me back as an adult. 

I have been working through my 4th step. I am looking at my natural God given gifts and trying to figure out where they run riot. I am stunned, hurt and extremely grateful. I can learn about my disease, I can learn about why I think the way I think, and do the things I do.  Life doesn’t seem so confusing. I am not alone. I get to ride in this wind tunnel and just be. I get to sit back and watch rather than try to control. I get to apologize and accept apologies. I get to work on forgiveness. I get learn the things that “normal” people do. I get to grow up.

Today I have been blessed with another 24 hours. I have choices that I get to make today. I choose to work on me and let everything else just be. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Hippie, this is going to take time.

I know I will have amazing future but today I can say, I just am.


2 thoughts on “I just am.

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