Easter Sunday will mark a major day for me. The day I decided to walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and stated I was an Addict/Alcoholic. I walked in looking for a way to stop drinking & drugging. I had lost my soul. I couldn’t hear my Inner Hippie anymore. I was waking up knowing that I needed to escape just to function, to be able to have peace. I knew that the next step would walking out of my life in order to drink & drug. Walk away from my 4 creatures and my husband so I could have some sort of peace. I knew that I was going to die if I chose that path. I look back now and see that I hit my bottom. I was in hell. I was staring at death in the face and needed to make a decision to live or to die. I made a last ditch effort to finally talk to someone. I heard their story and realized that I am not alone. I took his suggestion and walked into AA.
The first 7 months are a complete fog. The only thing I knew was to get to a meeting everyday. Stay sober between meetings. I knew that God had given me the strength to talk to someone but I didn’t realize God was the only thing that could keep me sober. I have a lifetime disease and drinking/drugs are only a symptom of it. I think & react differently from the “normal” and I needed to learn how to live sober in this “normal” world. Everyday I wake up I need to recognize my disease and I remember that it wants me dead.
I let God have the steering wheel because my best ideas only get me one place…. drunk. That is what happened 5 months ago… my best idea. I wanted to play God. I wanted things on MY time on MY watch. That didn’t happen and I found myself 10x worse off than when I started. My disease had been doing pushups and I picked up where I left off. This time, I was worse. Alcoholism is progressive, it never will get better it only gets worse until you end up in prison, an institution or die. That first drink brought me back to hell. I could NOT do this by myself. I believe that God placed enough people in my life that I pulled myself out before I knew what was happening. I don’t recommend playing chicken with God but this is what he used to teach me. He showed me the progression of my disease and this scared the absolute shit out of me.
Tomorrow I will get my 5 month coin. I relapsed last fall on my 5 month birthday. I will be walking into unchartered territory. Some days I struggle with my disease and having to do the work to stay sober EVERYDAY of my life. Other days I am grateful to have this disease, I get to see God every time I go to a meeting and hear another persons story. I see God moving more in AA than I ever did at church. These people working program are living and breathing Gods purpose in their life. His hand is on their every step and I get to watch him change them. I also get reminded that today I am a miracle. AA is a revolving door and the people who choose to work their asses off are the ones who get to stay sober. We are a very small percentage.
This time last year I was told to look in the bible for answers to my “problem”. God pointed me to this verse and I laughed out loud. Seriously? No shit…what I do is a sin, why do you think I do it? I am still laughing and telling my Jesus Freak friend how funny God is. She tells me that makes her sad. I don’t get it. Sad? That shit is funny! Fast forward…two days ago, reading some passages in a devotional I have and I come across this verse that YELLS to me. God answered a question I had been struggling with. No shit! Then I started thinking…I heard that before? Where did I hear that? I run upstairs to find my old bible and start flipping through pages… was it the same verse? The verse that I thought was funny before I got sober?
Today I understand it. This verse gives me power to live my life and make war against my fears. Today I know why my friend said it made her sad. Today I can say that God is my Inner Hippie. He always has been there and every once in a while I would listen to him but for the first time in my life I am listening & learning from him. He has a purpose for my life. I am a Jesus Freak. How can you not be? Stuff like this happens everyday when you are searching for him. Trips me out.
The verse you ask?
What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. Romans 7:15-20 The Message