Scrambled Eggs

Scrambled EggsI have been sleeping like shit lately. Last night I woke up and remembered a part of a movie that I don’t remember the name to… Someone told the girl to figure out what kind of eggs she likes. Scrambled? Sunny Side up? Over Easy? and she went into the kitchen made all the different types of eggs and figured out what one she liked the best. This decision was hers to make, not her boyfriends, not her mothers, but hers.

I fell back asleep and woke up again with a quote stuck in my head that  I saw earlier on the previous day. “People are people, and sometimes we change our minds.” This seems like it was plastered in neon and lighting up my bedroom wall.

I can change my mind. I can loooove scrambled eggs for 20 years, start my own scrambled egg cooking class, teach future generations how to create the perfect scrambled egg and then one morning wake up and decide I don’t like eggs at all. I stop everything that I created for 20 years because I changed my mind. This sounds powerful and it truly is, but what about all those people that I connected with while I loved scrambled eggs? I had made amazing friendships and history with these people. What happens when I don’t like eggs anymore? Some of these people back away and watch for a while to see if they want a friend who doesn’t like eggs, some are hurt and walk away, some come forward and tell me they don’t like eggs either and some stick around because eggs never mattered in the first place.

I never liked when people changed their minds. It rocked my world. I had opinions and statements and sarcasm. I took it as a personal attack against myself. How dare you? This has been one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn. That you can change, and its ok. That I can change, and its ok. I can change something that I loved 2 days ago and hate it today. I don’t have to worry about what people think of me and my decisions. If I know I am following Gods will for my life, I can never go wrong. That doesn’t mean I am going to floating around in this pink cloud. It means that I will be hurt by people and their opinions. I will grieve the loss of the ones who walk away. I can love them unconditionally. I will cry and feel the closing of a season. I also will open my eyes to the new possibilities. I will wait for the new people God will bring into my life to walk beside me, teach me and I will give my time to recreate these friendships over and over.

You find God in the people who are always changing. They are challenging you to look at yourself and find Gods will in your life. They are your teachers and the ones God has placed in your care. Love them.

As for the egg decision… the jury is still out.

Jesus Freak

Easter Sunday will mark a major day for me. The day I decided to walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and stated I was an Addict/Alcoholic. I walked in looking for a way to stop drinking & drugging. I had lost my soul. I couldn’t hear my Inner Hippie anymore. I was waking up knowing that I needed to escape just to function, to be able to have peace. I knew that the next step would walking out of my life in order to drink & drug. Walk away from my 4 creatures and my husband so I could have some sort of peace. I knew that I was going to die if I chose that path. I look back now and see that I hit my bottom. I was in hell. I was staring at death in the face and needed to make a decision to live or to die. I made a last ditch effort to finally talk to someone. I heard their story and realized that I am not alone. I took his suggestion and walked into AA.

The first 7 months are a complete fog. The only thing I knew was to get to a meeting everyday. Stay sober between meetings. I knew that God had given me the strength to talk to someone but I didn’t realize God was the only thing that could keep me sober. I have a lifetime disease and drinking/drugs are only a symptom of it. I think & react differently from the “normal” and I needed to learn how to live sober in this “normal” world. Everyday I wake up I need to recognize my disease and I remember that it wants me dead.

I let God have the steering wheel because my best ideas only get me one place…. drunk. That is what happened 5 months ago… my best idea. I wanted to play God. I wanted things on MY time on MY watch. That didn’t happen and I found myself 10x worse off than when I started. My disease had been doing pushups and I picked up where I left off. This time, I was worse. Alcoholism is progressive, it never will get better it only gets worse until you end up in prison, an institution or die. That first drink brought me back to hell. I could NOT do this by myself. I believe that God placed enough people in my life that I pulled myself out before I knew what was happening. I don’t recommend playing chicken with God but this is what he used to teach me. He showed me the progression of my disease and this scared the absolute shit out of me.

Tomorrow I will get my 5 month coin. I relapsed last fall on my 5 month birthday. I will be walking into unchartered territory. Some days I struggle with my disease and having to do the work to stay sober EVERYDAY of my life. Other days I am grateful to have this disease, I get to see God every time I go to a meeting and hear another persons story. I see God moving more in AA than I ever did at church. These people working program are living and breathing Gods purpose in their life. His hand is on their every step and I get to watch him change them. I also get reminded that today I am a miracle. AA is a revolving door and the people who choose to work their asses off are the ones who get to stay sober. We are a very small percentage.

This time last year I was told to look in the bible for answers to my “problem”. God pointed me to this verse and I laughed out loud. Seriously? No shit…what I do is a sin, why do you think I do it? I am still laughing and telling my Jesus Freak friend how funny God is. She tells me that makes her sad. I don’t get it. Sad? That shit is funny! Fast forward…two days ago, reading some passages in a devotional I have and I come across this verse that YELLS to me. God answered a question I had been struggling with. No shit! Then I started thinking…I heard that before? Where did I hear that? I run upstairs to find my old bible and start flipping through pages… was it the same verse? The verse that I thought was funny before I got sober?

IT WAS!!

Today I understand it. This verse gives me power to live my life and make war against my fears. Today I know why my friend said it made her sad. Today I can say that God is my Inner Hippie. He always has been there and every once in a while I would listen to him but for the first time in my life I am listening & learning from him. He has a purpose for my life.  I am a Jesus Freak. How can you not be? Stuff like this happens everyday when you are searching for him. Trips me out.

The verse you ask?
What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!  I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.  I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. Romans 7:15-20 The Message

I just am.

It has been 20 days since I went back out and it feels like years ago. Something switched in me, I grieved the last 20 years of my life. Alcoholism is not a joke, it is a very serious disease to me…now. I have been blessed to be an Alcoholic/Addict, whatever you choose to call me. I have watched the disease my whole life. I have seen people die from it. I am watching people die from it today and I somehow got lucky. I got the chance to hit bottom before I destroyed my life. I also got the chance to dry out long enough to find out that my addiction was only part of my recovery. I grew up in an alcoholic household. I always thought that meant the parent was drunk on the couch and the kids ran crazy, mac & cheese on the floor,  the house a mess, etc. That wasn’t my house, we had dinner together, vacations, we were pretty normal. My parents were just “Alcoholics.” I never once in a million years thought that this ever affected me. I got through school, went to college, got married, had creatures. I had moved on. What I didn’t know is that I survived. I missed out on direction, affection and life lessons. I took care of my sister, I grew up early, I guided myself and I was my support system. What I have always thought was normal was not. I am hearing words like adult child, co-dependent and emotional detachment. The things I used to survive as a child, are the very things that are holding me back as an adult. 

I have been working through my 4th step. I am looking at my natural God given gifts and trying to figure out where they run riot. I am stunned, hurt and extremely grateful. I can learn about my disease, I can learn about why I think the way I think, and do the things I do.  Life doesn’t seem so confusing. I am not alone. I get to ride in this wind tunnel and just be. I get to sit back and watch rather than try to control. I get to apologize and accept apologies. I get to work on forgiveness. I get learn the things that “normal” people do. I get to grow up.

Today I have been blessed with another 24 hours. I have choices that I get to make today. I choose to work on me and let everything else just be. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Hippie, this is going to take time.

I know I will have amazing future but today I can say, I just am.